


And your sunshine is gone

by EmyLilas



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/F, because Jack is leaving, fem reader - Freeform, pure angst, the team is here too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26900692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmyLilas/pseuds/EmyLilas
Summary: Jack is missing. Jack is missing and you have never told her that you love her. And now you’re terrified you may not have the chance to tell her anymore. Is she dead? Is she fine? Will she be the same if she ever comes back?Jack is missing, and that’s all you can think of.
Relationships: Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	And your sunshine is gone

**Author's Note:**

> I started this after hearing about Maria leaving the first time, this summer, and just finished it a couple of days ago. I hope they don't end up killing Jack but I was in a very angsty mood so... here it is!

"Have you heard the news?" 

It might have been a normal thing to ask. People tend to ask this kind of thing on mornings when new ones walk into the office. The question isn't what surprises you. It's Ellie's tone. You don't quite understand it. Why would she sound so concerned about the answer?

"Y/N?"

Nick's tone doesn't make you feel any better about it. Something bad is happening and you don't know what. You feel yourself turning pale as you rear back to lean against the wall. You have had this weird sensation since yesterday evening and it's just becoming stronger with your teammates' concern. 

"What news?"

You're surprised by your own voice. It almost breaks. It's hardly audible. It's unusually raspy. Your hands are shaking and there is nothing you can do about that. No more than trying to appease the nausea you're starting to be overwhelmed by. Your head seems suddenly so heavy. You can feel your blood pounding against your temple. You can hear your heart beating too fast. You suddenly feel empty. There's a void inside of you and you know you're about to fall into it.

"Jack is missing, Y/N."

And it's what it takes to push you into this void. You're falling and no one can grab your arm to catch you. Your legs are too weak to hold you and you fall on the ground, slipping against the wall. You try to collect your breath but what for? You can't breathe. There's this weight on your chest. _Jacqueline Sloane is missing_. There's this weight on your chest and you can't breathe. 

Tears are starting to roll down your cheeks. You can't see anything. The loud beats of your aching heart make it impossible for you to hear whatever it is Ellie, Nick or Tim are telling you. Jack is missing. You've been prepared for this. You've told yourself it might happen again. You've been preparing yourself for this, and yet, it doesn't seem real. 

Everything's blurry around you. Those distant voices try to bring you back to them but you don't feel strong enough to go back. It would be so much easier to just let go. Everything's blurry around you and your mind is confused. Confused by the mix made between your present situation, this dreadful news, and the sweet memories with the woman you're losing. 

Jack is missing. It doesn't mean she's dead. It doesn't mean she's not okay. 

You try to convince yourself but you're too confused to focus on one thing. Your breathing is now completely out of control. You try to hold back the tears threatening to fall but it's useless. You can't speak. There's this lump in your throat and if you tried to speak you know you wouldn't be able to make a sound which wouldn't be muffled by cries. 

Everything's blurry around you. You barely distinguish Ellie's face hovering near yours as she tries to help you to collect your breath. In the distance you hear footsteps you know too well. It's Jack getting down the stairs. Further again, you smell Jack's perfume. Is someone throwing darts? Is this sugar you smell? Nick is calling your name. Vance and Gibbs are staring at you. Gibbs' mouth is moving. But it's Jack's voice you hear. 

You're confused. You're shocked. You want to know what happened. You want to know where Jack was last seen. You want to know when they found out. You want to throw the baseball bat at them for waiting until this morning to tell you. You want to scream at Vance for letting Jack go back there. You want to punch Gibbs for standing in front of you instead of looking for Jack. 

And you want to hate Jack for deciding to go back. You want to hate her for deciding to leave you when you were that close to tell her just how much you loved her. But you can’t hate you. You could never hate her.

They need to find her. You need to find her. You can't give up on her. Jack isn't dead. _No body, no death. No body, no death. No body_ … you try to keep it going but your mind has other plans, going through every scenario possible. You want to send these ideas away. You don't want to think about the worst. You don't even want to think about the afterwards, when Jack is back, but her mental health is threatened. You don't want to think. You want to find her. What if she doesn't come back?

It might take you two days, three weeks, nine months, five years, you don't care. You can't give up on her. _Jack is missing_. You hear the news again. You try to make the voice shut up but it's plastered everywhere. It's all you can see. It's all you can hear. Jack's lighthearted laughter rings in your head and it's what it takes to make you fall deeper. _Jack is missing_. All the things you should have said, all the things you should have done… you're just not sure you know how to exist in a world without Jack. 

You feel empty. You feel cut from the inside out. It's like you're being stabbed right in the stomach. It's so painful you have to bend, your arms wrapped around your waist. It's not protection you seek, it's a way to ease the pain. _Jack is missing_. The idea is painful. The idea brings sorrow, fear, anger. But the reality of Jack not being around brings this physical pain you don't know how to handle. You feel this deep wound inside of you. You stay bent over your stomach with the vain hope it might prevent the cut to spread. But it doesn't. It just grows.

And you suddenly feel overwhelmed. You can't breathe and your heart aches. Not metaphorically, you know your whole being aches, you know it's not a heartbreak. You know when you feel heartbroken it's your brain which is actually suffering. But this time is different. Your heart aches. It feels too tight in your chest. It doesn't quite fit there anymore. It's beating too fast. It's like you're being stabbed on every single inch of your body. 

You feel empty and in pain. _Have you heard the news?_ What a strange way to let you know about it. Your hands are shaking and you don't know if it's from sadness or fear or anger anymore. It doesn't matter. None of it does matter anymore. Jack is missing. 

"Jack is missing" you whisper, careful to keep your voice down. It's more for yourself than for your team. It's your way to feel the reality of the statement. To make it yours, its painful meaning. You need time to process. But you know once you understand its implications, you'll stop feeling. It's not coldness, it's protection. How could you still exist if you felt the painful reminder of Jack not being around everyday? You need to be efficient. You need to find her.

But you're not quite there yet, too deeply astonished by the meaning of those three words. Words can be meaningless sometimes. People tend to say that because three words are randomly thrown everyday, then three words lose their sincere signification. But _I love you_ are not the three words that have been said to you. _Jack is missing_ are the ones repeating over and over in your head. And those words aren't familiar. Those three words don't bring comfort and warm joy. Those three words are cold. Dead cold. Dead. What if Jack is dead? 

_No body, no death_. Here you are again. You've been told in order to calm a panic attack, one should repeat something they know by heart. Or one should picture their safe place in their head. You used to do that too. You used to picture this place you always used to go to when you were a child. Then you met Jack. Home wouldn't be quite the same. Home wouldn't be a specific place but a warm feeling experienced wherever Jack was. Home would be Jack. And your safe place changed because this childhood memory was too painful to be remembered. Jack became your safe place. 

Wherever Jack was, but especially her place. She has a backyard where you used to spend time together, lying on the grass, playing games on the porch, cuddling on the patio swing. You would sometimes dance in the moonlight. It has become your safe place. But you cannot not be confused today. How could it still be your safe place when the very feeling of safety comes from the same woman you're fearing to lose? 

You can't protect yourself. You can't seek shelter in the backyard anymore. The crook of her neck doesn't seem as safe as it once did. You've been told to repeat things you know by heart. It has worked before. But the pain is too deep and your brain doesn't cease to come back to Jack. How her brown eyes light up when you walk into her office. How her lips curl into a bright smile when you suggest the two of you should spend some time together. How her face softened when her hand hesitantly cups your cheek. How a sassy smile appears on her lips when she's in a playful mood. 

You've felt overwhelmed by Jacqueline Sloane before but never in that way. You've felt unable to breathe before, but never in that way. _Jack is missing_. It changes everything. Because it starts to make sense. The letters are drawn in your mind and they start to connect to one another. You start to understand what it means. That _Jack_ , the woman you love, is missing. Danger, pain, fear, torture, death. 

No body, no death. Danger, pain, fear, torture, death. Those are the words that keep repeating themselves in your head. They just get louder and louder, they crash the warming smile of Jack. They just get noisier and noisier, they destroy the backyard under a starry sky. That’s all you feel now, crushed. Crushed by the weight of the implications of the news. Crushed by your fears and regrets. You should have said so many things, done so many things. Maybe you’ll never have the chance now. Which means those words are dead in your head before they even had a chance to be spoken out loud. They’ll never cross the barrier of your lips. They’ll never be heard. 

“Agent Y/N?” 

It’s a common reaction, when told such terrible news, to pay attention to small insignificant details. You find it weird that, of all people here, the director is the one kneeling in front of you to check on you. You chuckle a bit, at the sight of his concerned expression. You have never seen him like that before, yet, your team has put him through many delicate situations for him to handle. 

They all stare at you with wide eyes. Of course, they know you aren’t laughing out of amusement. It doesn’t even cross their minds. They all stare at you, not knowing what to do or say, looking for answers in each other’s faces. But no one knows. No one knows what to do with you. Jack always did. 

But Jack is not here. No, she’s missing. She’s gone and she may never come back. Will her bright smile fade away? Will you remember the hint of mischief in her hoarse voice? How long before your memory betrays you? How long before you forget the smell of her hair? How long before her happy face is only a vague memory? How long before she’s gone in your mind too? 

The chuckle has turned into a maniacal laughter. People start looking at you from the promenade. Your laugh is nervous and they know that. Because laughing and crying at the same time has clear meaning. But the laughter doesn’t stop and soon you start to worry yourself about going insane. 

The director grabs your shoulder with a firm hand: “we’ll find her”. 

And how much he believes you will. How much he trusts this team. _The_ team. If Gibbs’ team can’t do it, no one could have. How much faith the man has… how little you do. This is a promise he can’t make. Because it is a promise he can’t keep. It doesn’t depend on him. It doesn’t depend on any of you. If it did, if it actually did depend on how much you wanted to find Jacqueline, then you would be the one finding her. 

But it doesn’t depend on your desire to find the woman you love. It doesn’t depend on your efforts to find her on time. It depends on the ones who are holding her hostage. Do they want to kill her? Do they want to trade her against someone, something, anything? Is there a slight possibility to find Jacqueline alive? 

Is there a slight possibility she won’t suffer? Is she dead already? Is she being tortured? 

The questions never stop. They are getting louder and louder. And the confusion has turned into despair and the despair turns into anger. And the storm strikes inside the walls of your head. It destroys everything on its way. Happiness, hope, faith, there is nothing left of the blissful times with Jack. Jack is gone. Your life with Jack is gone. 

You are now a lifeless animated body. 

Dead? Tortured? Alive? Safe? Escaped? Dead? 

What could have been done differently? Where did it fail? When did it go wrong? What happened? The questions never stop. How could they? Confusion and despair, despair and anger, coldness. Cold walls. Cold protective walls. What is she facing again? 

If Jack ever returns, who will she be? 

You know it changed her for the rest of her life, last time. And Vance has said he was trying to prevent history from repeating itself. It was three years ago when you did not know about her past. What has he done, this time? What has he done to protect her? He let it happen again. 

Jack is gone, somewhere in the Afghan desert.  
Is she alone?  
Is her whole team with her? 

Those unspoken questions remain unanswered. They are growing bigger every second, they overwhelm you. They are crushing you under their incommensurable weight. You try to stand up but your knees are too weak to hold you. Your arms are shaking when your palms slap the wall to keep your balance. The words rushing into your minds are getting louder and louder and it's burning inside you and you know you're close to your breaking point.

Or maybe… are you broken yet? _This_ is your point of no return. And you know it. You know it too well not to be terrified, standing between those orange walls. It's like they are closing around you. You know they are not. You just wish you have had a little more time. To do things differently. To say words that might have made a difference. 

Maybe this all thing would have played differently.  
What if you had told her?  
Would have she stayed for you? 

It is happening. Things happen. People go on mission in the desert and don't come back. People die. People fade away. Things happen. 

***

“Aren’t you coming?” 

You look up from your screen, meeting Tim’s concern expression. Your eyes narrow when you try to think of the right thing to say. This past week has been a living hell for you, but you know you have been quite good at turning your friends’ lives into similar nightmares. You know they have tried their best. You know they have worked as much as their bodies and minds allowed them to. You know nothing better could have been done. 

You know if it ends badly, it couldn’t have ended any other way. 

You know.

You know they are the team. You know they were Jack’s greatest chance. You know they were your greatest chance. 

You know.

If it ends badly, they’ll blame themselves. Not as much as you will blame yourself, because they weren’t in love with her. But they’ll blame themselves because, not only will they feel responsible for the death of one friend, but they’ll have to watch you drown into your own despair. They’ll have to accept to be helpless when you hit the ground. 

If it ends badly, they know it isn’t just one friend they’ll lose. It’s two. Their dead friend, and the one who stays. The one who survives and doesn’t want to. The one who wakes in the morning and can’t find the desire to live. 

They know.

You know too. 

And it terrifies you. You need to go. You need to see it with your own eyes. Because you know you won’t believe it unless you see it. You know if Ellie gets out of MTAC and looks at you with pity, you won’t believe it. You know if Ellie gets out of MTAC and runs downstairs to hug you with relief and joy, you won’t believe it either. You know, however it ends, that you need to see it yourself to be sure it’s real. 

So you need to go. To climb the stairs and enter MTAC. You need to stand in the dark room surrounded by your friends. Surrounded by the only family you have left. You need to follow the operation. You need to see Nick and his team rescue Jacqueline. 

And tears built in your eyes because here’s what really terrifies you. It may not turn out to be a rescue mission. And the thought makes your legs weaken and your hands start to shake and your breath gets stuck in your lungs. 

Because it may be too late. They have found a lead, three days ago. And they left as soon as they knew it was certain: Jack was there, in this abandoned place, in the middle of the desert. There were no doubts about it. She was there. But your whole body aches at the uncertainty. Jack may be dead. 

And those fears are the same you have been having for the last week. They root themselves deeply in your mind the moment you’ve learned about the situation. And they haven’t left you. And you know they probably never will. Either Jack comes home and you’ll always be terrified by the possibility of losing her, either Jack is dead and you don’t feel strong enough to ever be able to overcome her loss. 

You don’t answer the question and follow Tim upstairs. Vance, Kasie, Ducky, Jimmy and Ellie are already in the room. Gibbs is standing behind, closely watching you as you step in. The moment they see you, silence falls in the room, all of you surrounded by the heavy atmosphere of the previous days. But it seems even heavier now that you are all reunited in the room, waiting to know if your fears can go away or if you’ll never see Jacqueline Sloane again.

You gulp. 

_Never her laugh again. Never see her smile again. Never being the target of her teasing side again. Never joking about her sweet tooth again. Never smell her scent again. Never touch her hand again._

You want to run away from the screen that’s going to change your life. You want to run away from this room. You feel trapped. You can’t breathe. You want to run away and pretend it never happened. You want to run away and meet Jack for a coffee downstairs. You want to run away and lock yourself in her house. 

But she won’t be there. And what makes it terrible is that she may never be anywhere ever again.

You would give anything to make sure she’s fine. Even if it meant that you could never see her again, if you could just know she was alive and safe… 

You hear Nick’s voice before you see his camera. You can’t focus on his words, your heart is racing and your attention is focused on the sound. You don’t know why you focus on it, it makes it even more difficult to keep breathing. 

Gibbs takes your hand in his, his eyes not leaving the screen. Everyone is as tense as you are. But you’re the only one who’s crying. You started crying without even noticing. It is just too much to bear. 

Is Jack alive?  
Is Jack fine?  
Is Jack dead?

_Will I see her again?_

The questions repeat over and over in your head. The noises of the field resonate loudly in your head. You hear rifles in the speakers, it fills the room and burdens the hearts. Your whole body is shaking and you can’t control it. Gibbs doesn’t drop your hand, he only tightens his grip: he can’t lose you too. He can’t let you fall. You feel Ellie’s arm circling your waist, as she presses her sides against you. She’s here. She carries you. 

That’s when you realize Ellie is holding Tim’s hand. And Tim is holding Kasie’s, who’s holding Jimmy’s, holding Ducky’s clenched fist. And Ducky stretches out his free hand to your director who accepts it, without looking, his eyes turned to the screen. His jaw may be clenched and his face may show nothing, you know he can’t breathe. 

And the tears can’t stop rolling down your cheek. Surrounded by the love of your family, carried by the strength they still manage to find, you see the look on the soldier’s face, turning to Nick. 

You know what it means.

And you can’t accept it.

Nick stops walking. Everything is silent around him. No more gunshot, they are all dead. No one dares talking to him. They all know he came to rescue his friend. Nick ducks his head and the giant screen of MTAC lets you see his clenched fists. 

And you know it means it is happening. 

He looks up, clears his throat and starts talking: “Director, Y/N, I’m sorry”, you barely hear a muffled sob through the speakers, feeling crushed by the meaning of his words, “Jack is dead”. 

Is Jack alive?  
Is Jack fine?  
Is Jack…

Jack is dead.

Hasn’t he strongly held it, your hands would have slipped from Gibbs’. Hasn’t Ellie strongly held you, you would have fallen on the floor. Your legs can’t carry you anymore. 

“I’m sorry” Nick repeats. And you hear the tremor in his voice. And you know he’ll never stop blaming himself for showing up too late. You know he’ll never stop blaming himself for letting his friend die. He couldn’t save her. 

None of you could.

And Jacqueline Sloane is dead.

And while it doesn’t make sense yet, while your reason can’t fully understand the statement, your heart does, your body does, your emotions do. Your tears silently water your cheeks some more. Your eyes stay locked on the screen. Your body suddenly aches and you have to bend to ease the pain.

But the pain can’t be eased. It never will.

Because she’s dead, the one who knew how to ease your pain. 

You don’t want to feel it. You can’t feel it. 

The pain spreads in your body. You feel nauseous, you feel confused, you feel terrified and scared. And suddenly, you don’t feel anything anymore. But the words echo in your mind. Worse, they start drawing themselves in your head and soon, _Jacqueline is dead_ is plastered everywhere.

Every memory is buried under the terrible statement. Every ounce of joy is erased by the statement. Every last bit of hope is destroyed by the dreadful reality. 

Jacqueline Sloane is dead.

Your friends don’t move. They hold onto each other. They need to feel the strength of their link. They can’t let go. They feel lost, without the ray of sunshine that was Jacqueline. They feel abandoned. They don’t know how to function without her joyfulness to help them going through the day. They all cry like one man. 

Gibbs can’t bear to look at the screen. He doesn’t want to see it. Something has been turned off in the man. He couldn’t lose anyone else. And yet, he’s mourning another loved one. He’s burying another friend.

Vance is standing still. His head high, staring at the screen. _He_ needs to see it. Because he can’t believe his best friend hasn’t survived this. She survived everything. She healed and recovered, painfully, slowly, not completely. But she always survived. Until she didn’t. Until now. His best friend’s body is lying on a dusted floor, lifeless. Jack is gone. _This_ isn’t his Jack.

His hands are shaking. And he’s crying. 

And it’s only when you look at your director that the violence of reality hits you. Not even the sight of Jacqueline’s inanimate body could bring you down as violently as the sight of your director crying is friend. Because the body could be anyone’s, you have only caught a glimpse of blond hair. It could not be her body, after all. You could still live in the comforting illusion that she’s alive somewhere. 

But his friend, it can’t be anyone else.

It’s Jacqueline, he is crying. And a hole digs in your heart and you know it’ll never heal. And Gibbs and Ellie aren’t fast enough to catch you before your knees meet the floor, brought down by the weight of the loss. And you break. You break, on the floor of MTAC, surrounded by all the people who love you and feeling painfully lonely.

Your ray of sunshine is gone.  
The sun will never rise again.  
Jacqueline Sloane is dead.

And she died without knowing how much you loved her.  
She died without hearing the three words you should have said but were both too scared to speak out loud.  
She died with the regret that you’d never know how much she loved you.

Jacqueline Sloane is dead.

And now, you have to learn to live without her.

**Author's Note:**

> Even if it's quite sad, I hope you enjoyed reading it!  
> Feel free to tell me what you thought, it's always nice to know!


End file.
